Parent abandonment
This blog post is about abandonment by
family members.
My mother’s cousin’s father-in-law has two
families. During World War 2, Lolo A was enlisted within the US Navy as a cook.
There he served, until the end of World War 2. During World War 2, he married a
woman in Panama and started a family with her and had three children. When
World War 2 ended, Lolo A was shipped back to the Philippines, leaving his
family behind in Panama. In the Philippines, he married another woman, and
started another family.
Lolo A’s youngest child actually found Lolo
A’s other family (the family situated in Panama) through Facebook. She was
typing in their family name when a suggestion came up of someone she does not
know. Coming from a very close knit and communal barrio where everyone knew
everyone, she was curious as to who this person is and she started a
correspondence. She asked if he knew Lolo A and he said, “Ah that is my
grandfather.” So she explained that Lolo A is actually her father, and so, both
of them asked the history of their family and finally uncovered Lolo A’s secret
(Lolo A died many years ago, so they had to rely on Lolo A’s wives for
information).
The two families kept contact and they all
had a family reunion in Las Vegas last year. There is actually no bitterness
and they actually gave a warm welcome to each other. Lolo A’s family in the
Philippines asked the family in Panama why they didn’t look for Lolo A after
World War 2. The family in Panama explained that they didn’t bother looking for
him because they worked on the assumption that Lolo A perished in the war, and
so, instead of feeling abandoned, they accepted Lolo A’s “death”, moved on and
felt at peace.
This brings us back to the topic of
abandonment by family members. The family in Panama didn’t feel like they were
abandoned at all (even though they wrongly assumed that Lolo A died in the war),
so there was no bitterness and familial problems left, even after Lolo A left
them. Lolo A’s children left in Panama actually grew up to be successful and
they have a healthy outlook on their lives and families.
Abandonment and neglect can leave a large
impact and emotional scar on children. Children who were abandoned by a parent
tend to develop poor self-esteem, difficulty expressing their emotions, develop
insecure or avoidant relationships, have an irrational sense of shame of
themselves (they tend to think that a parent left them because they don’t have
any value to the parent; i.e. “I wasn’t good enough for Father/Mother.”) and
other psychological problems concerning their families and relationships.
Abandonment also comes in the form of divorces for children, when the father or
mother divorces, leaves, and doesn’t look back on the children. Children who
were abandoned also become more insistent with what they want, more rigid with
their routines, and more repetitive to create security (they actively search
for security to avoid having to be abandoned again).
This shows just how big the effects of
abandonment and neglect on a child can be. However, all hope is not lost for an
abandoned child. Providing reassurance and support is of primary concern for
the abandoned child. With time and consistent reassurances of the child’s
worth, the child can eventually begin to accept the parent’s choice and move
on.
